Cactus Bloom - Morning Negativity

I awake this morning and for, I would say, at least the ten thousandth time, I feel negative. I don't even have to open my eyes and I feel the "doom and gloom" of another day. I lack the motivation to JUMP! out of bed to seize the day. I say "I feel" because I know intrinsically I am not negative. The feeling eventually changes as the moments on the clock tick away. But upon awakening I do feel negative.



How can it be that morning after morning, day in and day out working with my emotions, becoming aware of my belief systems, year in and year out changing the negative beliefs and mind set from one of being a Victim to being a Creator, that I STILL wake up in a negative state of mind??? The feelings only last as long as I dwell on them, nurse them, and by that I mean believe them and buy into them. But still, why can't I awake with feelings of excitement, bliss and happiness?



I know the feelings arise from unconscious belief systems that I have had since my early childhood. Feelings of being alone and forgotten. Feelings of abandonment and that I don't matter. Feelings like I had to do it on my own, otherwise I wouldn't survive.



I know they were created during the early years of having no parent be with me in the mornings as I dressed myself for school , then descended the stairs to the kitchen in the dead of winter, made myself breakfast, packed my school bag and closed the door behind me, not saying good bye to anyone in the mornings while both my parents slept. I, like so many others out there, know all this, and yet still the patterns in my brain and neuro pathways that were created then remain. I must now combat the biology in my brain; the neuro peptides that coarse through my being, even before I'm awake in the anticipation of a new day. Daytime to that part of my brain means death on some level. Or at least sadness and despair.



To begin, I must change my behaviour in the mornings as soon as I open my eyes. I know on the days that I have an appointment first thing and I miss the alarm and have to do the grand hustle into my clothes, make-up, grab something to eat and be out the door there isn't a nano second for the feelings of dread and greyness to come into mind. I am out the door, shoving the key into the car ignition on my way before I realize I'm feeling rushed, but not negative.



It will always be the change in behaviour that will aid our brain chemistry into new pathways, and hence new thoughts creating new feelings. We change the behaviour to change the thinking. I maintain we cannot change the thinking with new thinking. It doesn't work. I can lie in bed for hours watching my mind thinking negative thoughts, doing mindfulness of mind meditation and I will still be lying there. I will not have bit into the day the way those people I am most admire do.



Then the question arises, if I jump into each morning, where is the space for silence, contemplation and meditation? If I jumpstart the brain like applying electric shock therapy to the day how can I cultivate the gentle, loving kindness and compassion that I so love to be with in the mornings? You see once I swing my legs out of the bed, have my cup of tea I usually hit the meditation cushion for at least 30-45 minutes. It is there that the change in my mind in the chemical warfar happens. From brutish bully to serenity.



Am I simply a person who needs to take my mornings slowly, gently and with love and compassion towards myself? Or do I need to fundamentally change my behaviour?



I guess the answer lies in how well my behaviour serves me. Some days it might serve me best to leap out of bed, and seize the day because the cage of self destruction is being rattled hard and furiously. If I don't stop the torrent of negativity by changing my actions, then I aim the venom outwardly on Steve (husband) or Josh (step-son) and I KNOW with every cell of my being that that behaviour never has and never will serve me. On the days that I have the luxury of slinking out from between the sheets at my own pace and have only a mild form of self sabotage that I can carry on the slinking straight to my meditation cushion to change my mind.



What's it like for you in the mornings? Are you a "Seize the Day!" kind of gal or guy? Or do you have to fight the "crazies" each morning too? I'd love to know.